Opening up about college coming to a close

My graduation from Oklahoma State is a month away! I feel like I need to say something about the past three and a half years of my life. My first instinct is to say they were hard and that I’m glad they’re over, but that’s just my habit of keeping my guard up. I spent the majority of my time in college hiding because I didn’t know how to be honest and vulnerable. I didn't really open up to anyone, even my friends and roommates. I'm sorry they didn't get to know me the way I wish they could have. I'm naturally a happy and energetic person, but I really didn't let anyone see anything else. It's not like I struggled with depression or anything--I was happy but I wish I could have been deeper with people. I don’t know when I decided enough was enough, but I’m sure glad I did. Life when you’re shutting people out and being judgmental is hard and lonely. A lot happened since I moved away from Keller and embarked on this strange (and in hindsight, beautiful) journey. My hair grew. I had a few hospital visits. I made and lost friends. I learned how to make amazing enchiladas. I fell in love. I grew up. I opened up. When I first started college, making new friends seemed impossible. “How are these supposed to be the best years of my life? I’m miserable!” was a recurring thought of mine. But now, as I am preparing to walk across the stage and into a new stage of my life, I realize something. They weren’t the best years of my life in that I met my best friends and had so much fun and freedom. I didn’t go on a wild spring break vacation or study abroad. But they were the most important years of my life so far because I learned how to speak up, what I am passionate about, and how to take care of myself. That is what makes them valuable. I spent so many nights crying and having anxiety attacks during my first year (and maybe a little during my second and third years) that those feelings became familiar companions on the journey. I remember one night, in the midst of a panic attack saying to myself “just wait for it to pass—they always do” as if anxiety was a summer thunderstorm that rolled through and then the clouds would part and the puddles would dry. I didn’t feel like I was close enough to anyone to ask for help, so I did everything the hard way—on my own. I even struggled to find God in all of the mess sometimes. I just had to believe he was there, working behind the scenes (and of course he was, and now it’s so obvious. Thanks God). I didn’t realize it at the time but those instances made me so much stronger. I now know that my feelings don’t control me. This is so important.

I didn’t expect to love learning so much. I did fine in high school but it’s not like I was known for studying like, ever. I never knew I could be “the smart one” in any situation. Until I left home, my brother was always “the smart one” and I was “the creative one.” When I got to college, I realized I could be both. But what’s great about my college experience is that unlike high school, being successful was not about just being “smart” and memorizing stuff. That was a small part of it, but being successful was also about being PASSIONATE, taking initiative, and diving into every learning opportunity. I could always tell the difference between the people who memorized stuff and the people who actually cared. We may have all gotten similar grades, but you can’t put a letter or number to the way a person lights up when they talk about their passions. Human Development and Family Science just makes sense to me. I remember one day thinking to myself, “Maybe it’s not that I chose an easy major, maybe I’m just good at it. Maybe there is a possibility that I CAN be a smart girl and a funny girl and a creative girl...” And that was pivotal. It changed the way I approach learning and the way I carry myself. I could go on and on about how much being an HDFS major has transformed my life, but it can be summed up like this: before college, my passion to help others was like rising dough. It had potential, but it was raw and formless. College was like an oven—literally because those Oklahoma Augusts were brutal and metaphorically because it developed my passions into something useful: something that could really be used to feed others. My amazing professors and advisers were like bakers who added seasonings and butter and all the good stuff. They made my education delicious, and I owe them unending gratitude.

To Dr. Jennifer Jones, who taught me that women can be professors, mothers, stylish, brilliant, passionate, caring, kind and advocates. Being in her class and having the privilege to be on her research team not only opened my eyes to how much I love working with and learning about people with disabilities, but also taught me to DO SOMETHING about causes I care about. To not sit back or turn a blind eye to human needs.

To Dr. Ginger Welch, who from day one taught me to be ambitious and DREAM BIG. She’s done it all when it comes to human services, and that’s what I want to do too. I will be a better mother one day because of the things she taught me about child development, as well as a better employee because of what she taught me in my internship courses. I was so lucky to have her for three semesters!

To Dr. Brandt Gardner whose classes about relationships and marriage were so much fun and taught me how to love—I never expected to learn how to love in a college class! He also, without even knowing it, said the most wonderful things about HDFS that kept me from transferring schools sophomore year.

To Dr. Glade Topham, whose class helped me heal from family wounds and taught me how to take care of myself in the midst of helping others.

To Dr. Whitney Bailey, thank you for letting me run out of your class when we were watching a live birth video during my freshman year. You are one of the smartest, most humble, and most compassionate people I have ever met.

{and a piece for Regina George...she fractured her spine and still looks like a rock star}

These people and so many more went above and beyond for my education. I am so thankful that God put them in my life.

God called me away from Stillwater for my last semester, and it has been nothing short of amazing. He’s so mysterious in the fact that everything always makes so much sense when you look back. If I knew what my life would be like now back when I felt alone and overcome with fear and loneliness, everything would have been different. But I would never have the life I have now without those experiences. HE makes all things work together for our GOOD and He lets NOTHING go to waste. I didn’t think I would come out on the other side so happy and so confident. But this is just the beginning, and I am PUMPED for what’s to come.